Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Teddy Roosevelt and Batman End the Russo-Japanese War

Everyone in my house was very excited about the presidential inauguration. My 4 year old son particularly wanted to know about all the President's vehicles; my 6 year old daughter dressed up in red white and blue and had me drag the flag out of the closet so we could all pledge allegiance.

Over dinner, my son asked if the President could "see everyone". I explained that no, that's Santa Claus, and if the President did see everyone it would violate of the 4th amendment.

If you were my kid, this is the bedtime story you would have heard last night. I told it on the fly and this is my best stab at remembering what I said.

"Our craziest president ever was named Theodore Roosevelt, but everyone called him Teddy. He was sick and weak as a kid, but he decided to work out and get stronger. He learned to wrestle and took long walks outside. Later, when he was President, he even learned Judo.

When grew up, he became a cowboy. He liked to hunt dangerous animals, too, like lions and tigers and bears. Once he was hunting and his friends tied up a baby bear for him to shoot. Teddy wouldn't do it, and that's why we call little stuffed bears Teddy bears.

"Later he joined the army. His soldiers were on horses, and they had to charge up a big hill where the guys from the other side were. Teddy led them straight up the hill, which probably looked a little silly because he had big round glasses and a bristly mustache and a big floppy hat. Anyway, they won. After that he was governor of... New York! So what city did he live in? That's right, Albany, right down the street.

"He did such a good job that he was Vice President, like Joe Biden. But the President... died, and Teddy had to be President. He got a big prize for making the Russians and the Japanese stop fighting, and he had the Panama Canal dug. The best thing he did was to set aside a lot of land and make laws that no one could cut down the trees or pollute the water. One of those places is where we go camping sometimes.

"He also liked to say 'Bully!' a lot."

My son interrupted. "Daddy, what about Batman?"

"Roosevelt lived years before Batman. They never met."

"Daddy, can't you just pretend?"

..."Well, OK."

Once upon a time, President Roosevelt was doing pushups in the White House when the Batcopter landed on the lawn.

"What is this confounded machinery?" Teddy shouted. "I say, you there! What is the meaning of this, Sir?"

"I'm Batman, Mr. President. I've come from the future to help you."


So Teddy climbed into the Batcopter (edit: technically, this would have made the Batcopter become Marine One) and they flew over the ocean, to Vladivostok. The Russian army was surrounded by the Japanese army, and they wouldn't stop fighting. Sometimes they tried to sit down and talk about it, but someone's chair always blew up. Then they would blame each other and start fighting again.

Teddy sifted through the rubble of destroyed chairs and found something. "See here, what's this, some sort of Faro card?"

"It's a Joker card, Mr. President," Batman said, "That means the Joker must have traveled back in time. He's the one that's keeping this war going. We have to find him."


They heard laughing coming from a cave, so they went to check it out. Batman wanted to be careful, but Teddy rushed right in!

"Tally-ho!", the President cried.

"Hahahaaa!" It was the Joker! "Now I'll capture Theodore Roosevelt! Get him, Henchmen!"

But what the henchmen didn't know was that the President was a Judo expert!

"Unhand me, you rounders! Hi-YAAAAAH!" He threw one, and then the other. He knocked them out!

By the time Batman got there only the Joker was left. Batman shot a batrope at him and tied him up.

"Curses!" the Joker said, "the joke's on me!"

"Bully!" said the President.

Batman stuffed the Joker into the back of the batcopter. The President made the Russians and the Japanese sit down to talk, and they agreed to stop fighting.

Then, out of nowhere, the King of Sweden appeared! He gave Teddy a big gold medal.

"Well done, Mr. President!" the King said, "Congratulations on ending the Russo-Japanese War!"

"Bully! Thank you, your Majesty!" The King put the medal on Teddy and he got into the Batcopter with Batman. They flew back to the White House and landed.

Batman and Teddy shook hands and Batman took the Joker back to Gotham City in a time machine, where he turned him over to Commissioner Gordon and the joker went to jail.

The end.


  1. Great story. Thanks for making me feel like a lame-o dad. My stories come from the books I read them.

  2. Glad you liked it! I don't always tell stories like that one, but somehow recently I've gotten into this historical fiction mindset...