Teddy Roosevelt and Batman End the Russo-Japanese War

Everyone in my house was very excited about the presidential inauguration. My 4 year old son particularly wanted to know about all the President's vehicles; my 6 year old daughter dressed up in red white and blue and had me drag the flag out of the closet so we could all pledge allegiance.

Over dinner, my son asked if the President could "see everyone". I explained that no, that's Santa Claus, and if the President did see everyone it would violate of the 4th amendment.

If you were my kid, this is the bedtime story you would have heard last night. I told it on the fly and this is my best stab at remembering what I said.

"Our craziest president ever was named Theodore Roosevelt, but everyone called him Teddy. He was sick and weak as a kid, but he decided to work out and get stronger. He learned to wrestle and took long walks outside. Later, when he was President, he even learned Judo.

When grew up, he became a cowboy. He liked to hunt dangerous animals, too, like lions and tigers and bears. Once he was hunting and his friends tied up a baby bear for him to shoot. Teddy wouldn't do it, and that's why we call little stuffed bears Teddy bears.

"Later he joined the army. His soldiers were on horses, and they had to charge up a big hill where the guys from the other side were. Teddy led them straight up the hill, which probably looked a little silly because he had big round glasses and a bristly mustache and a big floppy hat. Anyway, they won. After that he was governor of... New York! So what city did he live in? That's right, Albany, right down the street.

"He did such a good job that he was Vice President, like Joe Biden. But the President... died, and Teddy had to be President. He got a big prize for making the Russians and the Japanese stop fighting, and he had the Panama Canal dug. The best thing he did was to set aside a lot of land and make laws that no one could cut down the trees or pollute the water. One of those places is where we go camping sometimes.

"He also liked to say 'Bully!' a lot."

My son interrupted. "Daddy, what about Batman?"

"Roosevelt lived years before Batman. They never met."

"Daddy, can't you just pretend?"

..."Well, OK."

Once upon a time, President Roosevelt was doing pushups in the White House when the Batcopter landed on the lawn.

"What is this confounded machinery?" Teddy shouted. "I say, you there! What is the meaning of this, Sir?"

"I'm Batman, Mr. President. I've come from the future to help you."

"Bully!"

So Teddy climbed into the Batcopter (edit: technically, this would have made the Batcopter become Marine One) and they flew over the ocean, to Vladivostok. The Russian army was surrounded by the Japanese army, and they wouldn't stop fighting. Sometimes they tried to sit down and talk about it, but someone's chair always blew up. Then they would blame each other and start fighting again.

Teddy sifted through the rubble of destroyed chairs and found something. "See here, what's this, some sort of Faro card?"

"It's a Joker card, Mr. President," Batman said, "That means the Joker must have traveled back in time. He's the one that's keeping this war going. We have to find him."

"Bully!"

They heard laughing coming from a cave, so they went to check it out. Batman wanted to be careful, but Teddy rushed right in!

"Tally-ho!", the President cried.

"Hahahaaa!" It was the Joker! "Now I'll capture Theodore Roosevelt! Get him, Henchmen!"

But what the henchmen didn't know was that the President was a Judo expert!

"Unhand me, you rounders! Hi-YAAAAAH!" He threw one, and then the other. He knocked them out!

By the time Batman got there only the Joker was left. Batman shot a batrope at him and tied him up.

"Curses!" the Joker said, "the joke's on me!"

"Bully!" said the President.

Batman stuffed the Joker into the back of the batcopter. The President made the Russians and the Japanese sit down to talk, and they agreed to stop fighting.

Then, out of nowhere, the King of Sweden appeared! He gave Teddy a big gold medal.

"Well done, Mr. President!" the King said, "Congratulations on ending the Russo-Japanese War!"

"Bully! Thank you, your Majesty!" The King put the medal on Teddy and he got into the Batcopter with Batman. They flew back to the White House and landed.

Batman and Teddy shook hands and Batman took the Joker back to Gotham City in a time machine, where he turned him over to Commissioner Gordon and the joker went to jail.

The end.

Already voted!

First in my district this morning at 6:06 AM! Can't wait to see the results come in tonight.

The presidential race is so odd... I can't help but think of it as though the gods were handicapping the race to make the bets even:

Thor: Look, Bush screwed things so much, it's gonna be a slaughter.

Zeus: Then we'll make the Republican candidate somebody who Bush hates.

Thor: Not enough. Just being in the guy's party is poison.

Zeus: OK, we'll make his opponent black.

Thor: So what?

Zeus: Mixed-race then. And raised outside the country.

Thor: Still not enough. Can you make his middle name "Hitler" or something?

Zeus: Don't push it. How about "Hussein"?

Thor: All right, you've got a bet.

This post (other than the fact I voted is Completely Fabricated.

The Oracle at DelFino's - Part 2

Angie pulled another beer for Andy Castro, clear-pale yellow in a frosted mug.

"Twenty- three," Andy said to me.

"What's that?"

"It ain't come up all day, twenty-three. You think I should play it?"

"I don't think you should play at all."

"Yeah, right. But I'm no good at math, so I ain't gonna listen. Should I play it?"

"It doesn't matter. It has exactly the same chance as any other number."

"Oh," Andy said, nodding thoughtfully. I knew he was mocking me.

"Then why doesn't it come up, smart guy?" he demanded.

"It just hasn't. It's luck."

"What're the odds of that?"

I thought about it. Twenty numbers drawn out of a field of 80. The odds of not getting a 23 would be 79/80 times 78/79 times.... not worth it.

"Pretty good," I estimated, "Maybe close to even."

"For one game, right? Well, they do a game every four minutes. I been sittin' here about three hours. That's like sixty games."

"Forty-five," I corrected him.

"Whatever. So what are the odds now?"

"Pretty low," I admitted. I whipped out my Blackberry, raised 50 percent to the 45th power.

"Wow. Hundred billion to one."

"How about that," Andy said. He drained his glass and called for another.

I sipped my bourbon in silence. The Quickdraw numbers rolled. No twenty-three.

"See? Told ya."

"So? It still doesn't mean anything."

"So ya gonna bet twenty-three, then?"

"I'm not going to bet, Andy."

"Good. Cause if ya bet twenty-three, it ain't gonna come up."

"At least you're not saying it's 'due'", I said, "but it's got the same chance as ever."

"Tell ya what, it doesn't come up next game you buy me a beer."

"You have a beer," I said.

Andy drained his glass in one gulp. Tiny streams of watery beer escaped the corners of his mouth. He ignored them..

"You said it's a hundred trillion to one, on luck. What're the odds they just lost the disk or whatever with the twenny-three on it?"

"That's not how it works," I said.

"Whatever."

Four minutes had passed. A new game. No twenty-three. I finished my Jack Daniels and put some bills on the bar.

"Get this guy a decent beer, will you?" I said to Angie.

This post is Completely Fabricated.

The Oracle at DelFino's - Part One

Andy Castro was the kind of guy who could blow through a thousand bucks in half an hour, and then live on his last twenty for week. Either way, he always seemed to be biting on a cigar with a plastic tip. I don't think I ever saw him light one.

I met him at DelFino's Grill. That's what the place is called, although you'd have to be an idiot to order food there. But nobody can screw up pouring whiskey from a bottle, and at DelFino's if you asked for it neat, they tended to pour a lot so it wouldn't look so lonely by itself in the glass.

"That's a smart hat," Andy told me when I sat at the bar next to him.

"Thanks." I had on my favorite brown fedora. I wasn't the original owner, and it was showing some wear after 50 years. I still thought it was a pretty smart hat, myself.

"You don't see those anymore," Andy said, taking the unlit cigar out of his mouth to take a bite from his cheeseburger. "Hey, Angie, this burger's all right!" Andy's hat was a Tommy Bahama refugee from the 90's that had probably once been white.

"Jack Daniel's, neat," I told Angie.

"You want that on the rocks?"

"No, neat," I said.

"He means he don't want nothin' in it," Andy roared, still chewing a tough mouthful of burnt hamburger.

Angie poured me half a rocks glass full of bourbon. I sipped it, and noticed Andy was watching me.

"You play Quick Draw?" he asked me.

"Never."

"How come?"

"It's just an extra tax, on people who are bad at math."

"Oh, I see. Well you look like a smart guy, I bet you're good at math, huh?"

"I'm not bad at it," I said.

"Right. Hey, you want some advice from an old man?"

"Not really," I said, turning back to my drink.

"Good," Andy said, nodding approval, " 'cause sometimes it seems everybody who comes in this place wants my advice, and ain't none of it good. But you know what?"

"What?"

"They always take it," Andy said. He scooped ketchup with a limp french fry.

"Hey, Angie, these fries stink! You ever change the oil in that thing?"

"Screw you, Andy."

This story is Completely Fabricated