Sunday, August 24, 2008

Hey you kids, get off my lawn!

"Sir, do you have to raise your voice?"

"Yes, I do," I said, because I'm sick of this!"

He stood in his driveway in the open door of his car, an old black SUV. I assumed it had been the family car until Little Meathead went off to college. Two of the car's tires rested on my lawn.

"Look, I know you like to park on the back lawn instead of the street. And it's hard to make the turn without driving on my lawn. But that's not my problem!"

"Well, Sir, it is my backyard, and..."

"No, it's not your backyard," I interrupted, "it belongs to the people who acually own this house."

A low blow? Maybe. But I had had enough. It's moving-in weekend for this autumn's prize crop of meatheads. They had parked three-across in the backyard the day before, and I'd yelled something nearly pleasant out the back window when one of them swerved onto my grass trying to make the turn. One of the kid's dads had even clipped the rental house. And today, Sunday dinner, a lovely Asian-spiced pork chop by Emjay, interrupted by me rushing out the front door in socks to confront the latest tresspasser.

He was trying to "manage" me. Calling me Sir, playing the calm one, trying to act innocent and accomodating. Oh, no, son. I manage managers. I'm mad and I'm going to stay that way.

"Look, Sir, I'm willing to talk about this..."

"Good. You need to understand that normal people do NOT park in their backyards. The driveway isn't designed for that. If you can't get back there without hitting the house or driving on my property, then park on the street like everybody else."

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Sir."

Oh, the non-apology. Is this guy preparing for a career in politics?

"Good. Are you also sorry you drove on my lawn?"

"Yes," he admitted.

"Thanks. I appreciate that. I'm Richard."


"Sorry we had to meet under these circumstances," I said, and went inside.

Let the Games Begin!

This post is Completely True, except,

*all idiot college-age neighbors in this blog will be assigned the pseudonym 'Ted'. Why? Imagine one of them introducing himself to Tarzan.

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